The Dreaded 3-0

I did everything I could to strike November 14th from the calendar this year, but the 5th anniversary of my 25th birthday came and went without any input from me.  My friends took me out for sushi at Jinsei to mourn (or celebrate...whatever you want to call it). 

Space, Kate, and me

John likes to snap them before we are ready.

me and Hayden

Mel, Crystal, Bryant, and Laurahelen

The icing on the cake was opening my mailbox to find this card from Kelly...

Ha.  30 is the new 20, right?  :)

Strawberry Lemonade

It's been a while since I've blogged, in part because of the busy-ness of school and in part because daily life in Alabama doesn't exactly seem like the stuff headlines are made of.  But God has really been bringing some Scripture to life for me lately, so I thought I'd write a little bit about what He's been teaching me.

We could probably all quote Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose."  It's one of those verses that's offered as a lifeline for someone in crisis, so much that it's sadly almost become a Christian cliché--one of those go-to phrases we toss out when we don't know what else to say.  It's also one of those verses that I've known as head knowledge but not as heart knowledge.  I guess God decided that needed to change.

As much as everyone is probably sick of hearing the condo saga, that so-called "investment" has continuously been a source of "life experience" for me.  Despite being the one decision I regret the most, God has used it to teach me so many truths--most of them involving His sovereignty and provision.  October has been no different.

It all started on the first of the month when I picked up my keys to move back in.  Without going into unnecessary details, the past month has offered me a crash course in home repairs and interior decorating.  (I will stick to teaching from now on, thanks.)

One morning I was walking into school, mentally tallying receipts and visualizing my bank account vanishing into a puff of smoke.  For a moment, fear and regret threatened to grip my thoughts.  Why did I ever purchase this stupid condo?  How am I supposed to pay off the loan when I'm having to spend money on home improvements?  Am I going to be stuck in it forever???

Thankfully, those thoughts only lasted a few seconds before I was reminded: my Daddy owns the cattle on a thousand hills (Psalm 50:10).  This sum of money that seems so big in my little world is literally nothing to Him.  This condo could be sold tomorrow if He wanted it to be.  So I am not here because of a mortgage.  I am not here because of a bad housing market.  I am not even here because I made a mistake in purchasing the condo.  I am here because this is where God wants me for today.

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts; neither are your ways My ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

I'm learning that He sees things we don't.  Maybe He wanted to use this as an opportunity to display His grace and sovereignty to others who witnessed the situation.  Maybe He needed to allow a little adversity in my life because as long as things are trucking along according to plan, I tend to neglect truly seeking Him.  (It's strange how the moments when I'm at the end of my rope are the sweetest because those are the moments I get to experience Him as my comfort and peace.)  I don't know His reasons, but I don't need to. I don't have to question what He's doing or why because I know that He knows what's best much better than I do.  And nothing happens without His permission.  To quote my friend Melissa, "He's got this thing rigged."

It amazes me what peace it brings to know that God is both completely trustworthy and completely in control.  Today a friend texted me and said, "Man, things really aren't going your way lately."  And I realized that while this month seems to have been a series of unfortunate events, God has transformed every frustration into something good.  What started as an unexpected major home repair became a "Designed to Sell" project.  What could have become a seed of bitterness turned into an opportunity to share about God's grace and provision.  And this condo that I've been so desperate to get out of is the soon-to-be location of a weekly Bible study with some precious high school girls.  God handed me some lemons so that I could watch Him make strawberry lemonade.  (He knows that's my favorite.)

Romans 8:28 doesn't feel so cliché any more.

Nothing like a little perspective...

to start off your Saturday morning. 

Where do you stand compared to the world's wealthiest people?  Click here to find out.  Then check out my friend Kelly's insightful post. 

Thanks for the reminder, Kel.  Miss you, friend.

I left my heart in Africa.

In more ways than one. 

I had chosen the title of this post before I ever left the ship.  That was two months ago.  I knew I would miss Africa, and I thought that leaving my heart there would make for a dramatic, must-read title. :)  But I never found the words.  I still don't have them.  How do you communicate the mixed emotions of returning home from a place that has been home for the last ten months?  I mean, am I supposed to be happy or sad?  Will I hurt my family's feelings if I tell them I wish I was in Africa?  (Because I often do.)  When I don't wish I was in Africa (like or hate it, America certainly has its perks), should I feel guilty?  Where do I really want to be anyway? 

I left the ship with one goal, two fears, and a prayer in mind.  Goal: pay down the loan on my condo as quickly as possible so that I can sell it and be free to move wherever.  Fears: that I would either (1) become so comfortable in my happy little suburban lifestyle that I'd lose sight of the goal to pay down the condo, or (2) go so far to the opposite extreme that I viewed this time at home as simply a means to an end, rather than a season in which God has a purpose for me HERE.  And the prayer: that God would guard me from those two extremes.

But something worse happened: I left my heart in Africa.  You know, the one I thought had changed while I was there.

Romans 12:2 keeps echoing.  "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world..."

Conform.

Like a chameleon.

When I was in Africa, I conformed.  Surrounded by "missionaries," I conformed to the mindset that material possessions don't determine worth.  That people will still love you if there's a stain on your shirt, you wear sandals without painting your toenails, and your hair becomes larger than life after a few minutes outside during rainy season.  That there is a world out there with much bigger problems than an outdated cell phone, and there are more important ways to spend your life than sitting by the pool.  That pursuing an intimate relationship with God is more valuable, more life-giving, than anything this world has to offer.

Not bad things to conform to.  But that's not what God asks us to do.  "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

I didn't transform, at least not fully.  I mostly conformed.  I know that because I now feel the need to update my wardrobe, and buy new toenail polish, and work on my tan.  And heaven forbid I use a flip phone.  

Before you think I've gone all legalistic on you, I don't think there's anything wrong with toenail polish, or hip cell phones, or cute clothes.  I'm just saying my focus is off.  My pattern is worldly.  It's all about me and my little world.  If I'm honest, the real problem is I haven't prayed, as in really-truly-pursued-Him prayed, since I've been home.  I've spent more time running (in more ways than one).

Ordinarily, I'd wait to post this until I'd come out of it.  Repented.  So that I could write it in past tense.  Because you know, that's not how I am; it's how I was. 

Since I'm clearly on a roll with the verbs lesson (sorry...English teacher...bear with me), I just noticed something else in that verse.

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will."

"Conform" is active. It's something we do.  "Be transformed," on the other hand, is passive.  It's something we allow to be done to us.  I can't transform myself, but I can be transformed. 

Well, that's a relief.  Because I really don't want to be a conformer, a chameleon.  But I'm stuck.  I guess that's why the Bible calls it the "pattern of this world."  It's a pattern.  And patterns are hard to break. 

What can I do?  How do I stop conforming and be transformed?  I had to back up a verse to find out.

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship." Romans 12:1

Sacrifice.  Me.  Just as I am.  Pink toenails and all. 

Hold me accountable, friends.

*Little morning addition to my late night post: God DID change my heart while I was there.  I know that because while I may still act like a chameleon sometimes, He's taught me to recognize it when I do.  He's taught me that the pattern of this world is empty and lifeless and unfulfilling.   And he's taught me that I don't have to live that way. There IS something better.  It doesn't matter if I'm in Africa or America--true life is found in HIM.  "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.  I have come that they might have LIFE, and have it abundantly."  John 10:10 

Oh, and Tommy, you're right.  I think maybe God likes pink toenails.  :)

The Day My Babies Came to Visit

This is actually an old post.  I had saved it as a draft on June 7th and forgotten about it.  I decided just to post it as is, rather than try to go back and edit the time frame.  Gosh, I miss this!

Last Wednesday the kids that we tutor from the YWAM house came to visit the ship.  It was so fun to be able to invite our friends to our "home."

waiting for visitor passes

seeing my classroom

YWAM kids with my 4th and 5th grade class

group photo outside the academy

juice and cookies

Lukman

Claude and Shalom

tour of the bridge

group photo on deck 7

in front of the ship

me with Shalom and Claude, the kids I tutor on Monday nights

A bientot!  See you soon! 

Beauty

Mooching again...

"Beauty" by Jenn.  You don't want to miss this one.

Should I give up, or should I just keep chasin' pavement...

even if it leads nowhere?

We couldn't stop laughing when "Chasing Pavement" started playing on Kelly's iPod just past the halfway point of our trek across Togo two weeks ago. I'm not sure why we thought it would be a good idea to attempt to walk 35 miles without stopping, but let's be honest, how often do you get to say you walked across an entire country in a day? One group from the ship had already tried and failed, so that made the challenge all the more enticing.

The plan: touch the Ghana border, walk across Togo, touch the Benin border.  We named it the Trans Togo Trek.  (I know, we're dorks.)

leaving the ship at 4:45 a.m.

starting out at the border of Ghana--5:10 a.m.

from left: Estelle, Kelly, me, Jenn, Ben, Liz, and Tim

(Jenn, Liz and Tim just started with us so that we'd have a big group before dawn.  They walked back to the ship shortly after sunrise.)

 

My friend Murray offered to drive a "support vehicle" alongside us for safety and, of course, water breaks.  He took some really cool photos along the way.

 

And then there were three...Estelle dropped out just shy of halfway because of blisters. 

 

the African coast...beautiful, isn't it?

 

halfway!!!

  

 

palm trees along the road

 

 

Tampico break

  

 

We reached the marathon mark!

 

shirt change--Ben decided to change jerseys as we got closer to each country.  He started wearing a Ghana jersey, changed into a Togo jersey about a third of the way through, and then switched to a Benin jersey for the last leg of the trek.

  

 

still in good spirits at this point

  

 

 

Ok, this is about where we renamed the trip the Trans Togo Trudge. Our favorite lines, "How much longer?"  "Um, I think maybe just another hour and a half."  We seemed to say that, oh, about every hour and a half.

 

some beautiful scenery to brighten up the last 2 miles

Hi from the bridge, just on the outskirts of the border town.  We think we can...we think we can.

almost to Benin!

 

We made it!!!  We reached the Benin border at 5:30 p.m.

No, that's not a sock tan.  That's the line between our dirty legs and our white feet.  I'm not sure how Kelly's legs were the dirtiest when she was the only one wearing pants.

I've never been one to do stupid things just to say I did, but I think this may be the beginning of a new habit. We had so much fun, and it was a great way to see the countryside.  (I also gained an appreciation for why boys are proud of their "battle scars."  I have a bruise underneath my toenail from our little adventure, and I refuse to paint my toenails so that I can watch it turn colors.  I think I gained cool teacher points from my fifth grade boys for that...ha.)  Besides being one of the stupidest things I've ever done, the Trans Togo Trek will undoubtedly be one of my favorite memories from Togo.

Embarrassing the Brother

Ryan is probably going to kill me for posting this.  He'll just have to get over it.

I missed his college graduation on Saturday, and I got a little teary looking at the pictures. 

Handsome, isn't he?  Yeah, I think so too.

Mom, Ryan, and Dad

Love you, Brother!  Wish I could've been there.  (And War Eagle!)

Long Division and the Gospel

It was a half-hearted prayer.  Words spoken more out of habit and duty than sincerity and love.  To be quite honest, I was perfectly content to continue riding in silence, contemplating my own life in my own little bubble.  But we were on our way to Monday night tutoring.  That meant we were supposed to pray.  So it went something like this:  Lord,  please bless our time with these children tonight.  Please help us be able to help them with their work, despite the language barrier.  Please help them see Your love through us tonight, and help us be able to share Christ with them.  In Jesus' name, Amen. 

By "them," I meant...

And my friends Shalom and Claude...

Every Monday night, I go with three other girls to tutor a group of neighborhood kids through a ministry called YWAM (Youth With A Mission).  The YWAM staff opens their home to these children every night to assist with homework and provide basic tutoring.  Some of the children are orphans; others simply have no one at home who is able or available to help them with their school work.  It has become a highlight of my week, but as you can see from the beginning of this post, my heart isn't always where it needs to be before we arrive. 

But God's always is.

Last night Shalom, Claude, and I were working through their math practice book like we usually do.  It looks like this:

You may not be able to tell from the picture, but it's in French.  Do I speak French?  Not so much.  My conversation in French last night was the equivalent of the following translated into English:  "You eat today?...I eat spaghetti...You favorite?...This Mercy Ship (Shalom was examining my ID badge)...I sleep on the ship.  Ship is my house."  Yeah, I'm almost as fluent as Tarzan. The idea of me tutoring them is comical to say the least.  And last night we conquered long division.  (If you've ever tried to teach long division to any child, you've probably already recognized this as answered prayer number one.)

Then something really cool happened.  I always bring a bag of resources from the ship.  When their homework is complete, Shalom and Claude love to make games out of the flash cards or read one of the books.  Last night, Claude chose a book about the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus.  We started to read, and Claude seemed really interested in the pictures.  I pulled our translator Nestor over to help me have a "real" conversation with Claude, and I asked, "Do you know why Jesus died?"

"No," Claude said.  And then came answered prayer number two.

In simplistic, messily-translated sentences, I was able to share with Claude that we all do wrong things.  Jesus never did anything wrong, but He died to take the punishment for the wrong things we've done.  After He died, He rose again--God brought Him back to life!  Because He died, we are able to ask God to forgive us for the wrong things we've done. 

"Compris?" I asked. (Understand?) 

"Yes," he said.

It wasn't a perfect presentation of the Gospel.  I didn't quote Scripture.  I didn't even begin to explain sin, its consequences, or the gift of eternal life through faith in Christ.  But I don't doubt for a second that if God can use a tired, distracted, self-centered teacher--who didn't feel like praying and who barely speaks a lick of French--to share why Jesus came, He will certainly continue to reveal Himself to this precious little boy.

I'm so thankful for a God who hears and answers our prayers, even the half-hearted ones.  When we least deserve to be used, He proves that it isn't about us being worthy, equipped, or even motivated to be used in the first place.  He had a plan for Claude last night, and He wasn't about to let me get in the way of it.

"I know that You can do all things.  No plan of Yours can be thwarted." ~Job 42:2    

El Qanna: My Jealous God

He says His name is Jealous. 

"Do not worship any other god, for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God." ~Exodus 34:14

God loves me.  Sure, I know that.  I mean I've sung the words since childhood.  Love just has so many different definitions in English.  Although I could've quoted Scriptures to the contrary, for far too long I've pictured God's love as more of a far off compassion--merciful but somewhat detached.  In my better moments, I've understood that He loves like me like a father loves a child.  "As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him; for He knows how we are formed, He remembers that we are dust."  ~Psalm 103:13-14.  I'm thankful for my sweet daddy.  My relationship with him helps me understand God's fatherly love for me.  

God IS my Father.  But He isn't JUST my Father.  The Bible also says that I am His bride, and He is my Husband.  "For your Maker is your Husband—the LORD Almighty is His name—the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; He is called the God of all the earth."  ~Isaiah 54:5

Wow. That's a pretty tough concept to grasp, especially considering I've never been married. They say you can't fully understand the sacrifice God made when He allowed Jesus to be crucified until you've been a parent yourself, and I'm sure the same applies to understanding the symbolism of marriage in revealing God's love for us. But even in my limited understanding, this kind of love has stolen my heart in recent days.

He says I am the apple of His eye.  "For this is what the LORD Almighty says: 'After He has honored me and has sent me against the nations that have plundered you—for whoever touches you touches the apple of His eye.'"  ~Zechariah 2:8

He says that He rejoices over me.  "As a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you." ~Isaiah 62:5b

He says that even though I have forgotten Him for other lovers, He will pursue me with His love.  "'Therefore, behold, I will allure her, bring her into the wilderness, and speak kindly to her...and it will come about in that day,' declares the LORD, 'That you will call me Ishi (husband) and will no longer call Me Baali (master)...and I will betroth you to Me forever; Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice, in lovingkindness and in compassion, and I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness.  Then you will know the LORD.'" ~Hosea 2: 14, 16, 19-20
 
Betrothed in righteousness, in justice, in lovingkindness, in compassion, and in faithfulness.  BETROTHED.  I am His.  "I am my beloved's, and His desire is for me."  Song of Solomon 7:10
 
It's this kind of love that makes Him jealous for my affection.  "This is what the LORD Almighty says: "I am very jealous for Zion; I am burning with jealousy for her." ~Zechariah 8:2

He burns with a holy jealousy because of His LOVE for me. "Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame." ~Song of Solomon 8:6

That's why He doesn't want my heartless obedience; He wants my heart. "The LORD says: 'These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is made up only of rules taught by men.'" ~Isaiah 29:13

His love for me is perfect--unchanging, unending, unfathomable.  How is it possible that I--the one who doesn't even deserve to be acknowledged, much less adored, by this God--am the one who runs from Him?  It seems crazy!  Yet it is the story of my life, and yours.  So what is a Husband to do with His unfaithful bride?  Divorce her?  Disown her? 

No, deliver her. 

Even at the cost of His own life.  "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless."  ~Ephesians 5:25-27

Pretty amazing, isn't it?  The God who made the universe not only knows my name, not only calls me Daughter, He calls me His beloved bride.  The apple of His eye.  The one for whom He gave His life.

Capture my heart with Your love, O God. Make me a woman worthy to be called Your bride. 

Kenya!

Last weekend our academy staff flew to Kenya for a teaching conference.  (Now that's something I never thought I'd say!)  We applied for a grant and fundraised the rest of the money to attend the ACSI (Association of Christian Schools International) International Christian Educators Conference in Kijabe, Kenya.  The conference was incredible because it applied what we know to be best practice in education through a Biblical context.  In a sense, it was the missing piece to the "why we do what we do."  Rather than ramble on about that though, as I'm sure most people who read my blog would rather skip on the teacher-talk, I'll just post some of my favorite pictures from the trip.  (Total side note--is it weird that I just looked back on the word "favorite" in that sentence because my mind initially registered it as incorrect?  I'm getting used to seeing it as "favourite."  Ha.)

 

Here we are waiting for our transport to the airport in Accra, Ghana.  We had just walked with all of our luggage across the border of Togo into Ghana.

Estelle and I (you can barely see us) underneath the "Smile. You're in Kenya." sign at the airport in Nairobi.

an advertisement on the window of our bus from Nairobi to Kijabe

the Rift Valley...breath-taking, isn't it?

I met two girls from Birmingham at the conference!  Allison (beside me) graduated from Vestavia High School with several of my good friends, and Lindsey (right) just graduated from Auburn!  It really is a small world.

our academy staff all dressed up and ready for the closing banquet

Estelle!  (Don't ask.)

Watch out for that mountain lion!

And NEVER let a monkey lick you! 

Do you understand now why I love working for MSA?  We have SO much fun working together...perhaps too much fun at times!  :)

my co-worker, cabin-mate, and good friend Amy

Estelle and I came out matching almost exactly. It was NOT planned. What was even funnier (or perhaps more embarrassing) was that we roomed together on the trip and didn't even notice that we had on matching outfits until everyone started teasing us!

Estelle, Danae, me, and Amy (Estelle changed her scarf so that we didn't look so conspicuous!) 

the leader of the tribe that danced for us at the final worship service

tribal song and dance

Kenya is now one of my favorite African nations.  I hope one day I'll have a chance to go back and see more of this beautiful country!