Decisions, Decisions

So I'm not in Africa. I haven't found a renter yet, and I just didn't have complete confidence to step on that airplane on Sunday. I have to be honest. I feel a little faithless right now. You know that verse in James where it says that "the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind" (James 1:6)? That's the best way to describe how I felt as I tried to sleep Sunday night. Except there were numbers too. Numbers for dollars swimming through my head.

Does this lack of a renter mean that I should step out on faith, trusting that God will provide once I'm there? Or is it God's way of telling me that He wants me to stay here? I don't doubt for a second that God has been purposeful in bringing me this far. I learned so much at Gateway and throughout this whole process. Probably the biggest thing I learned though, is that Africa is not a spiritual honeymoon...the place where my relationship with God will magically be absent of doubts, insecurities, and effort. God is just as present in Alabama as He is in Benin. Sure, my life would undoubtedly never be the same, but God can transform me and use me here too.

I'm not sure what will happen from here. I'm praying for clarity, but more than that, I'm praying that God will be sovereign over my decision. I'm praying that He will act for me, regardless of my own desires, logic, and emotions. I'm praying that when the decision has been made, I will know that it was the right one.

Basic Safety Training

Our last week of Gateway was a U.S. Coast Guard program in Basic Safety Training. It included Personal Survival Techniques, First Aid and CPR, Basic Fire Fighting, and Personal Safety and Social Responsibilities. In other words, we are now at least academically prepared for whatever emergency ship life may throw at us...not that my certificate means you would want me to be your rescuer in an emergency. Ha! Now that would be scary!

A few pictures to walk you through the week...

Danae and I in full fire gear. I hated the masks because there was always a brief moment of panic when it didn't connect just right and your air supply was completely cut off. Not to mention we are suited up in the middle of a 100 degree Texas summer day.

Meet Buck. Buck is 160 lbs. of dead weight. We had to rescue him from a smoky room with no visibility. He got about three inches closer to safety with me. I need to work out.

Here I am fighting a class B liquid fire (aka gasoline) with an ABC dry chemical (aka multipurpose fire extinguisher).



This was the worst part of the whole drill. The trainers started a fire in the container below, and we had to go inside with one partner and control it with the fire hose. (We couldn't completely put it out because then there would be no fire for the next group.) The container was completely enclosed and therefore entirely filled with thick black smoke. The smoke you see billowing up in the picture is leaking through small cracks, not a large hole in the ceiling as it might seem. We couldn't see a thing in front of us, and the temperature of the smoke on the ceiling was estimated to be 800 degrees at one point. One member of our team stood up into the smoke and didn't have his face completely covered, and his face was actually blistered in a small area from the heat. I don't mean to be dramatic. I knew it wasn't really dangerous because our trainers were inside the container with us the whole time. However, I felt terrified and was so glad when the exercise was over. It takes a special calling to be a fire fighter. I don't know how they do it.

We did it!

Survival at Sea was much more fun. We got to practice "jumping ship" in an immersion suit. Look, it's the Mercy Ship Teletubbies!

Forming a human raft in our immersion suits.

This was my favorite part--flipping a 12-man life raft from an upside down position in the water. We had to climb on top of the raft, grab the ropes, flip the raft over on top of us, and swim out from underneath. We could either do it with a partner or by ourselves. I initially wanted to do it with a partner, but we both decided we wanted to see if we could do it on our own. Surprisingly, we did!

Basic Safety Training was intense and challenging. There were parts I absolutely hated and parts that I loved. Overall though, I definitely learned some basic concepts of how to handle a ship emergency. I'm glad that Mercy Ships takes the time to train every crew member with such an indepth program. It makes me feel much safer knowing I'll be with hundreds of people who have all been trained in not only how to handle a crisis, but also how to prevent one from happening. Hopefully, our prevention skills will be put to such good use that we'll never have to use the survival skills! :)

Canoeing on Caddo Lake

Last Sunday, we spent the day canoeing at Caddo Lake State Park, which contains the nation's largest Cypress swamp. The scenery was unbelievable. I've never seen anything like it.

Parts of the water were covered in huge (2 ft. in diameter) lily pads.

Here we are paddling through the bayou before reaching my favorite part of the swamp.

The Cypress swamp looked like the canoeing scene in The Notebook.

We canoed for four hours. We were all completely exhausted (and disgusting) afterward, but as you can see from the pictures, it was well worth it.

Mercy Ships on Fox 6!

My parents were watching the news last night and saw a feature on Mercy Ships! Check it out...

Pray for Caleb

Please pray for precious Caleb Richards. Caleb is an adorable 2-year-old boy who was diagnosed with cancer (Wilms' Tumor) in June 2007. He has been in remission, but the doctors found some dark spots on his left lung during his regular CT scan on Friday. He has a second scan on Monday at 12:00. Please pray for his scan to be completely clear and for his parents, Jennifer and Daniel, to have rest and peace this weekend. You can visit Caleb's CaringBridge site by clicking here to read his story and write him an encouraging note. He and his family would love to know you are praying!

Praise Report (Added 7/13/09): Caleb's CT scan today was completely clear! Praise the Lord!

Right Here

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139:23-24

These verses were on my mind as I walked to dinner today. Over the past few days, I've felt discouraged and confused about the situation with my condo. (For those of you reading this who do not know, I have to rent my condo out in order to serve with Mercy Ships. The rental process has been a roller coaster of getting my hopes up only to have something fall through...over and over again.) For the past few months, the condo has been my "fleece"--the final determining factor in whether or not God wants me to go. I expected it to have been rented at least a month ago. Now, here I am, less than two weeks away from boarding a plane to Africa, with no renter.

We've been talking a lot about contemplative prayer in our training. In other words, we are learning the importance of spending time silent before God, listening instead of doing all of the talking in our prayer time. I felt like I really needed to practice that today, so I grabbed my Bible and a towel after dinner and headed for the little pond behind our cabin. After several minutes doing the usual rambling in my own words, I finally prayed through Psalm 139:23-24 and asked God to still my thoughts and allow me to feel His presence.

I sat. I stared at the water. I lay down. I closed my eyes. I listened to the fish jump and the dragonflies buzz. I couldn't feel Him. I didn't hear Him. I asked, Where are You, God?

In frustration, I reached for my Bible and pulled the open-it-up-and-see-where-it-falls trick. I think it landed somewhere in the middle of an Old Testament war. I flipped...and flipped...until eventually my eyes fell on Psalm 139:23-24. Since that was the verse that had been on my mind before dinner, and had been my prayer, something in me felt like I needed to read the whole psalm from the beginning. When I got to verse seven, I understood why.

"Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the dawn, if I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, even there Your hand will lead me, and Your right hand will lay hold of me." Psalm 139:7-10

Though I may not feel Him, He is there. Though I do not realize it, He is guiding me with His hand.

Contemplating Poverty

"Listen, my beloved brethren: did not God choose the poor of this world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom which He promised to those who love Him?” James 2:5

When I first began to consider serving with Mercy Ships, I realized that I was becoming strangely jealous of the poor. I find it interesting that we tend to think we have something to offer the less fortunate. How many times have you heard someone return from a mission trip saying something like, "I went with the intentions of blessing someone else, but instead I was the one blessed." Why is that? Could it be that what they lack in financial security they make up for in faith?

I've grown up in a country in which financial status determines value, and self-sufficiency is to be pursued above all else. We don't seek God because we think we don't need Him. I don't pray when I'm sick; I go to the doctor. I don't ask God to provide my daily bread; I drive to the nearest restaurant or grocery store. What's worse is the sense of entitlement that develops from never experiencing need. When confronted with poverty, my first inclination is to question why God allows this kind of suffering.

But what if God eradicated poverty tomorrow? Would we all go about our daily business with God as an afterthought? Would we all forget that it is He who provides our next breath? Would we all miss what it really means to know Him...as Savior, Provider, Healer, Comforter, Father, and Friend?

The Bible teaches that it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God (Matt. 19:24). I cannot help but consider, could it be that in all my American wealth, I am the one who is truly poor?

Lord, I have nothing to offer and so much to learn. May the poor of this world teach me how to be rich in faith.

Additional Thoughts (7/9/09): I wanted to clarify that I don't believe living in poverty is God's intention for His creation, or that poverty is in any way a blessing. There are so many scriptures that command us to look after the poor. He even told the Israelites that they would have no poor among them if they listened to His voice and obeyed His commandments (Deut. 15:4-5). There are certainly enough resources in the world that if all believers obeyed His commands, there could potentially be no poor among us either. However, Scripture also acknowledges that in a fallen world, there will always be poverty (Deut. 15:10 and Mark 14:7). The surrounding context of James 2:5 is about not showing partiality to the rich; it is a reminder that a person's value is not determined by his/her financial status. In reflecting on these verses earlier, I realized that material possessions are often a barrier to faith. As far as faith, I don't want to be like those in the church at Laodicea to whom Jesus cautions that he will spit out of His mouth, "Because you say, 'I am rich, and have become wealthy, and have need of nothing,' and you do not know that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked" (Revelation 3:16-17). It's too easy to be blinded by our own self-sufficiency. I'm tired of being blinded to my need of Him, simply because I think I have everything I need.

A Taste of Texas

It's not all serious around here! I have met so many great new friends, and we've really enjoyed spending our weekends giving a taste of Texas to those who have never experienced it. A few pictures...

Country Line Dancing at Big Sandy's Dance Hall

Real American Hamburgers!

Bowling

Gateway Week 1

I know this post is a little overdue, but I thought I'd post a few highlights of the things I am learning at Gateway. Our days are so intense that it's hard to compile everything into a few sentences, but I'll do my best.

We began our training by creating a list of expectations for the month. My expectations...

1. God will reveal His character and nature and correct any inaccurate views that I hold.
2. God will enable me to grow in faith, trust, and love.
3. Relationships will be built with others serving with Mercy Ships.
4. I will have a greater understanding of working with the poor.
5. God will transform head knowledge into heart knowledge.

What's in a Name?

I used to think of God's name as synonymous with His reputation. We tend to use phrases like "she destroyed her good name" and "his name is mud" to refer to someone's name as his/her reputation only. We are so focused on what other people think that sometimes we put more emphasis on our reputation than our true character. God is not like us; He is loving and compassionate because that is who He is! When Scripture speaks of His name, it is more than just His reputation--it is His very nature and character. Doesn't that make such a difference in verses like this?

"For the sake of my name I delay my wrath." Isaiah 48:9

"He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake." Psalm 23:3

Who am I?

We took a DISC personality inventory to discover our own strengths and weaknesses. I am a CS (C-Conscientous, S-Steady). Instead of boring you with the details of my personality, I'd love to share a quote that really made me think: "Teams are well-rounded precisely because the individuals in them are not." Hmmm...kind of goes along with 1 Corinthians 12, doesn't it?

"Now the body is not made up of one part but of many. If the foot should say, "Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. And if the ear should say, "Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be." 1 Corinthians 12:14-18

Silent Retreat

Last Saturday we went to a nearby state park to spend some focused individual time with the Lord. Of course, much of my time was spent praying about the situation with the condo and asking God to show me what to do if a renter has not come by departure day. I didn't get a direct answer at the retreat, but when I got home, I was completely taken aback by an email I had received around the time the retreat ended. My friend Joy wrote that she didn't understand why she felt so strongly in saying this, but she thought she should tell me not to let the condo keep me from purchasing my airline ticket. She reminded me of God's timing and provision, and she thought that if it is not His will for me to go, He would probably confirm it in a different way. Wow. Sometimes God speaks in a still small voice, and sometimes He sends emails. :)